AM I SELFISH FOR ENDING A RELATIONSHIP?
WHY WE ENDED THINGS
People always want to know WHY you broke up. The funny thing is, there is never just one answer. Relationships are multi-dimensional and it is impossible to sum up a separation in just one sentence and narrow it down to one reason.
But here is my best shot…
About 5 weeks ago, my boyfriend and I separated after being together for almost 3.5 years. No, he did not cheat on me and no he was not a bad boyfriend… quite the opposite actually! We had a good relationship and we cared about each other deeply. As many of us do in our twenties though, we begin this self discovery journey, trying to figure out who we are and what we want to do in this lifetime. And I have been on this personal development journey for over two years now, and I found that as I continued to explore who I was and about my true desires in life, it began to become more and more clear that they did not align with his.
From my understanding and from our conversations, he explained to me that he wanted a simple life - - to have a good job with little to no stress, live on a farm away from the city, hang out at home, watch movies and take enjoyment in the simple things.
I, on the other hand, want to hustle hustle hustle, build my dream business, be an entrepreneur, a blogger, a life coach, start a podcast, do woo woo things, and live a life full of unpredictability and adventure.
And as I began to gain clarity of my dreams, I started to invest more time in making my dreams a reality, which meant less time was spent on our relationship and with him.
Does that make me selfish? Maybe.
Would I have resented him if I put my dreams on the back-burner? Maybe.
Relationships are freakin’ hard and you already know that. What is even harder though, is staying in a relationship that you are on the fence about it. Every day that you stay in it because you don’t want to “hurt” the other person is actually just hurting them more. We carry energy in our bodies and we pass that negative energy on to others. And that was exactly what I was doing. My soul was telling me that our relationship had an expiration date and I just wouldn’t listen. I wanted so desperately for it to all work out.
PUTTING ON YOUR OWN OXYGEN MASK FIRST
That was until I heard Adam Roa speak at The Rise event, where he explained how he and his partner of 10 years consciously uncoupled because they both felt called to fully show up in this world and serve their purposes individually. You can watch his YouTube show, The Art of Choosing Love here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgDnCIYR0Yo.
After hearing Adam speak, I felt it was time to do what needed to be done, but I so desperately needed support. I felt like such an asshole for breaking up with someone I cared so much about. Like how could I hurt him like this? I felt so so selfish.
So I sent Adam Roa a DM on Instagram asking for support and he shared the following with me…
I believe in putting my own oxygen mask on first. Being unhappy is not good for anyone. It’s not a loving choice in my opinion.
Those words hit me like a ton of bricks.
To further elaborate on this topic, Christine Hassler, a Master Coach and Best Selling Author recently shared a newsletter called “Is ending a relationship selfish”. In this newsletter she explained this paradigm so well. Here is an excerpt from her newsletter.
Sometimes what seems like a selfish choice is truly a self-honoring choice. And sometimes what we feel like will hurt a person, will actually help them more.
To wrap this up, if you feel guilty about ending a relationship that you are not feeling is serving just remember that you could be in fact hurting your partner more than helping them by staying in it.
If you are single or on the fence about a relationship here are some reminders to help guide you in the right direction.
LOVE YOURSELF FIRST
We have to remember to love ourselves first. When we love ourselves first, we can show up fully in a relationship and then do not someone else to make us feel loved or complete.
LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION
Lastly, listen to your intuition. That voice in your head that pops up during meditations, prayer, and silence… that voice is there to guide you. It’s your inner truth. When you follow that voice, unimaginable things will begin to happen for you, trust me!
If you are someone who feels like your relationship is also coming to end, but feel a sense of guilt or selfishness in ending it, I hope this blog gives you clarity and inspiration.